Paris Hilton Is A Romantic
And just for the record, a romantic evening alone with Paris consists of prescription strength lice cream, forged STD results, and an elegant crab dinner courtesy of her pubic hairs.
“Oh, honey, I wasn’t expecting you home for another hour!” Paris cries, wiping her hands on her apron. “Why don’t you take a nice, relaxing shower while I finish cooking dinner, okay?”
Paris smiles lovingly at her mate before reaching under her apron and picking a large crab from her pubic hairs. “Oh, you’ll do nicely!” she says, dropping it into the pot of boiling water. “A splash of lemon and some melted butter and you’ll be delicious! Now where did I put that fucking cheese grater? Oh, that’s right! I let Snooki borrow it to exfoliate the dry skin on her feet! Well, no harm done. I can just grate the cheese with my toenails! And if my boyfriend asks about the fungus, I can just tell him I added some mushrooms!” *whistles cheerfully as she runs a block of Gruyere over her toes*
Yeah, and now that I have ruined my appetite for the next ten years, here is what Paris Hilton had to say about being a romantic: “We all have love, romances and heartbreaks, but we evolve with them and that makes us wiser people. However, I am still a romantic at heart.”
Oh, Paris. Let me tell you a little secret. The Angry Greek is a hopeless romantic, and when I finally meet the hunchback of my dreams, she and I will not be eating crabs or swapping tubes of herpes cream. No. Instead, I will sweep her off her hooves, lay her down on my bed, and tenderly shave her back while 2 Become 1 plays softly in the background. Now that is romance, Paris! And now, if you will excuse me, I need to go giggle girlishly and write “Mrs. Angry Greek-Hunchback” in my diary over and over again. Shut up, vagina. I saw you slow-dancing with a cheese stick earlier, so don’t you dare pass judgment on me!
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Hello, ana! Yes, I have finally given up food completely.
Oct 4 at 9:05amLMAO! Oh now I feel sick!
Oct 4 at 9:08amThank God I don't like crab meat! I would never eat it again! :)
Oct 4 at 9:08amLaughing so hard! So this is what it's like to be Paris Hilton's boyfriend! It's a public health hazard!
Oct 4 at 9:10amAB, tell me more about the ghost in your house. I had a really frightening experience in my grandmother's home recently.
Oct 4 at 9:11amGreek Girl, you are so funny and so sick at the same time! No lunch for me, thank you!
Oct 4 at 9:12amOh, are we telling ghost stories? I want to play! What happened to you, RMG?
Oct 4 at 9:12amHa! The most romantic thing ever said to Paris Hilton is " I've left the ten bucks on the bedside table, bye".
Oct 4 at 9:14amOld Fogey, I was spending the night at my grandmother's house on Friday. She lives in this rambling old house - really huge. Anyway, I was drifting to sleep when I thought I felt something crawl into bed with me. I thought it was one of the cats so I didn't pay any attention. But then I felt somebody's knee touch my leg. I screamed and jumped out of bed and there was nobody there in the room. I spent the night downstairs on the couch! Freaked me out!
Oct 4 at 9:15amLMAO, Bunny! That sounds about right!
Oct 4 at 9:15amBunny, hahaha! They must have tipped her well if they left her ten dollars! :)
Oct 4 at 9:17amRMG, that shit freaks me out! If I ever have a ghostly experience, I will probably shit myself!
Oct 4 at 9:17amRMG, I would have ran outside and slept in my car!
Oct 4 at 9:18amBunny, LMAO!
Oct 4 at 9:18amAG, I love you! This was so disturbing and so fucking funny!
Oct 4 at 9:19amAGHM and OF, it really did scare the hell out of me! I didn't tell my grandmother because she would have called the Ghostbusters and carried a string of garlic around her neck!
Oct 4 at 9:21amRMG, I would have pissed the bed, so you're braver than I am!
Oct 4 at 9:22amJesus Christ you all started early today- I can't keep up
Oct 4 at 9:23amI hate when my patients interfere with my blogging. Big babies
Oct 4 at 9:24amdrpamful, take your time! :) We'll wait for you!
Oct 4 at 9:24amLMAO!
Oct 4 at 9:24amPammykins, LMAO! Those fucking patients! :) Yeah, take your time. We were just listening to RMG's ghostly experience.
Oct 4 at 9:26amParis cooking a crab dinner? This is too funny!
Oct 4 at 9:27amAnd “Mrs. Angry Greek-Hunchback” is perfect! Such a lyrical name!
Oct 4 at 9:28amRMG, I once felt somebody tap on my shoulder when I was standing alone in my attic. I know how scary it can be!
Oct 4 at 9:29amHahahaha! Grating cheese with her toenails! That is so nasty!
Oct 4 at 9:30amWhere's the Head Troll?
Oct 4 at 9:30amGBT, I was wondering about that. I miss her.
Oct 4 at 9:31amRMG, I am surprised you stayed in the house! Like everybody said, I would have been out the door! Kudos to you!
Oct 4 at 9:37amAG, I would have busted through the window!
Oct 4 at 9:39amGood morning, sweetie pie!
Oct 4 at 9:39amThanks, Greek Girl! It was pretty terrifying!
Oct 4 at 9:41amAG, I was just reading your post again! Such a good job!
Oct 4 at 9:41amTonight, I'm eating mussels with french Fries. I've just finished to cook the mussels and sometimes you can find tiny little crabs in them.
Oct 4 at 9:42amWhen I will tell you that "mussel" (moule) is also a slang for a vagina in french, then you're sure that I will try to not think of the Paris post when I will eat in a few minutes :)
LLAG, just saw your comment! Now that's scary!
Oct 4 at 9:43amFrench Knight, LMAO! You poor thing!
Oct 4 at 9:43amFREAK GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!
Oct 4 at 9:45amFrench Knight, hold your nose! LOL!
Oct 4 at 9:46amCapsie, you get the hell out! This is AG's blog!
Oct 4 at 9:46amTank ass, you first!
Oct 4 at 9:47amI love how Capsie tells AG to get off her own blog!
Oct 4 at 9:48amAttack of the Paris Crabs; Red moon Girl and her ghost and now the Capital Letters Monster...is it already Halloween ? :)
Oct 4 at 9:48amRMG, I have experienced the same thing. It's... well, what can you do when you see no one is there?
I usually am not scared. Which is good because fear makes it worse. But, one night I was at my boyfriend's only I was the only person there because he just HAD to go to Waffle House in the middle of the night. I was scared and the bunnies were stamping their feet.
Oct 4 at 9:57amCheese and fungus - see, this is why bleu cheese is not meant for human consumption! Spice Girls, twin? That shit is decadent!
Oct 4 at 10:00amFrench Knight, it sounds like it!
Oct 4 at 10:01amAB, that's good that you're not scared most of the time! I nearly went into panic mode!
Oct 4 at 10:02amCapsie: I see the charm school and sensitivity training thing is not going so well.
Oct 4 at 10:10amThank you guys for waiting for me. My last patient was a member of The Hell's Angels. That is just cosmically wrong on so many levels......
Oct 4 at 10:11amA Hell's Angel? There is not enough medication in the world . . . for the practitioner either . . . will vodka do? Happy Vodka Day!
Oct 4 at 10:15amHappy Vodka Day, Jen!
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