Snooki Signs Autographs At The Mall
When Slutty Gay Friend informed me that Snooki had developed her own line of sunglasses, it was all I could do not to laugh until I soiled my panties. Just for the record, Snooki has developed only two things in her life – lopsided breasts and a bad case of pubic mites. So do not tell me that she developed her own line of sunglasses! That shit is about as legitimate as Baba Yaga’s vagina.
Anyway, speaking of those fucking sunglasses, Snooki was at the Staten Island Mall this weekend, signing autographs and posing for pictures. And for those of you who are curious, here is what went down at the signing:
Snooki sits at a wooden table, eating a breakfast burrito and signing an autograph for a trembling fan. When Snooki finishes, she burps loudly and hands the piece of paper to the fan.
“Oh my God, thank you so much!” the fan squeals, gazing with stunned delight at her autograph. “Oh my goodness! This has been the best day of my l – ”
“Wait a second,” Snooki says, gesturing for him to hand the autograph back. “I forgot to put the stamp of authenticity on it.”
With a bewildered expression on his face, the fan hands her the piece of paper. Snooki stands up, lowers her panties, and wipes her ass with it. “There,” she says, handing it back to him. “Now it’s all legitimized. NEXT!”
The next fan bounds forward, a look of wild adulation in her eyes. “Oh, Miss Swamp Midget!” the fan gushes. “I can’t believe this is actually happeni – ”
“Yeah, hold on a second. JEROME!” Snooki bellows. “JEROME, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ASS LOTION?”
“Coming!” squeaks a harried young man, rushing over with a bottle of rash cream. “Coming right up, Miss Swamp Midget! Here we go! Fresh out of the refrigerator!”
“It’s about fucking time,” Snooki says, dropping her panties and bending over the table. “And make sure you rub some cream in between my ass cheeks. I’m feeling a little raw this morning.”
With a quiet sob, Jerome squirts a dollop of lotion onto his palm and rubs his hands together.
“Now, where were we?” Snooki asks, turning back to her fan. “Did you want me to sign something?”
“Yes!” squeaks the excited fan, holding out a ripped menstrual pad. “I found this in the dumpster outside!”
“All right, give it here.” Snooki snatches the menstrual pad and takes out a marker. “What’s your name?”
“Genevieve!”
“No, I don’t like that,” Snooki says. “You look like a ‘Penis Wrinkle’ to me.”
“But that’s not my – ”
“Shut up!” Snooki yells, farting in agitation. “Oops,” she says, turning around and looking at Jerome, whose face is now covered in rash cream. “Goddammit, Jerome! Go get the hose! You are holding up the whole fucking line, you whore!”
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I didn't know that a suckerfish could wear sunglasses..
Oct 24 at 10:15amOhhhhh! LMAO! I will never look at moisturizing cream the same way again!
Oct 24 at 10:18amI still can't believe that this bitch has her own line of sunglasses, slippers, and jewelry.
Oct 24 at 10:18amHead Troll, that whole "duck lips" thing is so screwed up!
Oct 24 at 10:19amHahahaha, Voddie, seems they do. And I'm in awe of how the make up girl managed to make a pig look like it's fallen into a vat of WTF colour lipstick!
Oct 24 at 10:20amYes, Head Troll, although rare, suckerfish can wear sunglasses.
God this woman is an oily pig. "Jerome where is my ass lotion?" LMAO
Oct 24 at 10:22amewwwwwwww! imagine having to rub lotion in between her ass cheeks!
Oct 24 at 10:23amhead troll, she's already got wrinkles around her mouth! bitch is only 24!
Oct 24 at 10:23amHahahahahaha! I would have loved to have been at this signing! If only to see Snooki farting and getting rash cream rubbed into her ass! Actually, I think I am safer at home.
Oct 24 at 10:24amSGF, that's what happens when you smoke, drink, and party all night. She's going to look like a leather handbag by the time she's 30.
Oct 24 at 10:25amWhat? You mean I'm actually older than that troll? I thought she was in her mid-40s at least!
Oct 24 at 10:25amWell SGF, we know why she has advanced aging in that area. BTW, I love a man who notices mouth wrinkles. Well, I love any man who doesn't stop at the chest level. I bet my husband never knew what color my eyes are.
Oct 24 at 10:26amIt's disturbing Head Troll, I know. AT least she does look thirty years younger than Lindsey Lohan.
Oct 24 at 10:26amOh my God! Jerome is going to need therapy after that! LMAO!
Oct 24 at 10:27amPammykins, I'm sure you have very lovely eyes! The eyes are the first thing I notice on a woman! But I suspect I might be homosexual. ;)
Oct 24 at 10:27amlmao, pammykins! head troll, i know. she looks really fucked up.
Oct 24 at 10:28amThe Snooki 500? Is that her weight?
Oct 24 at 10:30amHEY FREAK!! THE TRAILER FOR "IN THE LAND OF BLOOD AND HONEY" HAS BEEN RELEASED!!! LET'S SEE YOU SAY SOMETHING BAD ABOUT IT!!!
Oct 24 at 10:31amIT LOOKS SO BEAUTIFUL AND POWERFUL!!! AND THE MUSIC IS GORGOUS!!!
Oct 24 at 10:31amAGHM, you are sweet. And noticing the eyes first is very suspect my dear. But, it maybe due to Loon Trauma. Because of your corpulent co-worker, you may be afraid to look below the neck for fear of seeing a sub sandwich in her cleavage
Oct 24 at 10:31amAnd Capsie, right off topic as usual
Oct 24 at 10:32amaghm, pammykins does have lovely eyes! she is very beautiful!
Oct 24 at 10:32amcapsie, thanks for being random and angry.
Oct 24 at 10:32amOh, I have plenty to say about that trailer, Capsie.
But I leave you with FFP for now:
http://i52.tinypic.com/2dalx85.jpg
Oct 24 at 10:33amCaps. I was just thinking of you. Your idol choices concern me and I think you need to upgrade. No need to look further. Snooki can be your new and impooved idol.
Oct 24 at 10:33amCapsie, you have indigestion. Take some Bean-O.
Oct 24 at 10:33amHere, go prance around with Pitt:
Oct 24 at 10:33amhttp://i55.tinypic.com/f2j6yx.jpg
LOL that was funny Slutty Gay Friend. I'd give you a big hug and kiss if you were here,
Oct 24 at 10:33amAnd you're just mad because people are picking up the story that Baba Yaga plagiarized the whole thing.
Oct 24 at 10:33amHead Troll, that is fabulous!
Oct 24 at 10:34amCapsie, remember our legal issue?
Oct 24 at 10:34amLMAO, Head Troll! I love the tag on the wig!
Oct 24 at 10:34amAnd just saw the first picture! Right on! Stupid Yaga!
Oct 24 at 10:35amAwe Slutty Gay Friend, I was talking about the random and angry post. Then I just saw your other one. You are so sweet.
Oct 24 at 10:36amhead troll, brilliant! i love both pictures!
Oct 24 at 10:36amyou're welcome, pammykins! it's the truth!
Oct 24 at 10:36amOld Fogey, that is a wonderful picture of Pittidiot. I am going to print that off, frame it and mail it to Capsie. Team Jolie has her address.
Oct 24 at 10:36amSURE KEEP BRINGING UP THE PLAGIRISM AND WATCH THIS BLOG GET A LEGAL LETTER FROM ANGIE'S TEAM!!!
Oct 24 at 10:37amPammykins, LOL! Be sure to include a coupon to Weight Watchers!
Oct 24 at 10:38amCapsie, shush! I can hear your stomach gurgling from way over here! You're giving yourself indigestion!
Oct 24 at 10:38amMore loon threats. And Head Troll, I love the photos!
Oct 24 at 10:39amJust saw the second one, Head Troll- terrific! Did a small snake or large worm crawl up her nose hole and get stuck in her forehead and a frantic effort to make its way to the vacuous amount of space between her ears? Just curious.
Oct 24 at 10:39amIn a frantic effort to make its way
Oct 24 at 10:40amAnd Capsie, your threats might seem a little more legitimate if you could actually spell "plagiarism".
Oct 24 at 10:40amCapsie THAT IS NOT WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT DAMN IT!
Oct 24 at 10:40amCapsie. I was talking about Team Jolie's plea deal to time served. Remember? I think I have a copy of OF's victim impact statement. AG has still not gotten back with me to see if she will accept the deal. I am going to give her black mother a call if she does not soon let me know something. I am not to be toyed with!!!!
Oct 24 at 10:42amPammykins, give her hell!
Oct 24 at 10:46amLOL Old Fogey! With your support I am sure the plea deal will go through LMAO
Oct 24 at 10:48amLoon, we all know the Blubber Brigade has been writing these letters for "Angie's team." You do know that is completely permissabe to say this:
The author of The Soul Shattering accuses Angelina Jolie of plagarism.
Or this:
Angelina Jolie, writer and director of In the Land of Blood and Honey, has been accused of plagarism by J.J. Braddock, the author of The Soul Shattering.
Why is it perfectly legal to say that? He HAS accused her. I am just writing down the fact that he accused her of plagarism and nothing more (except the names of the works involved).
Oct 24 at 11:20amPost new comment