Snooki Pissed On The Floor Of A Club
You know, back when I was about four years old, we used to live next door to this adorable old woman named Mrs. Cushing. I had no problem whatsoever with Mrs. Cushing but I certainly had a problem with her cat, Jellybean. I swear to God, that cat was an avid worshiper of Satan. If you were to clean out her litter box, you would probably find black candles and vials of blood buried underneath all the litter.
Anyway, Jellybean was a gigantic cunt. There is no other way to put it. Near the end of my fourth birthday party, Jellybean jumped up onto the picnic table and urinated on part of my birthday cake. Thank God everyone had already had a piece, but thanks to fucking Jellybean, THEY COULDN’T HAVE SECONDS!
Which brings me to my ultimate point! If I had seen Snooki pissing all over the floor of my club, that bitch wouldn’t have had time to run into the bathroom and spritz her vagina with whore perfume! No. I would have grabbed her by the back of the neck, dragged her ass over to the puddle of piss, and pushed her nose in it! BAD! Bad Swamp Midget! This is the only way you are going to learn!
Yeah, great! Now I’m irritated as hell! No, Snooki, not about you! About Jellybean! What kind of cat jumps up onto a picnic table to piss on a birthday cake? What, you couldn’t urinate in the sandbox like a normal cat? You fucking did it on purpose, you satanic son of a bitch! I know you did! And I loved that cake, too! It was a Barbie cake and it came with a set of pretty pink barrettes!
Okay, you know what - THAT’S IT! Where is Jellybean buried? The only way to settle this score is to find her grave and piss all over it. Yes, and because this sounds perfectly rational to me, I am going to make an appointment with a psychiatrist as soon as possible. Clearly, I need to be on anti-psychotic medication. Yeah. The sooner the better. *walks around mumbling to myself about squirrels trying to take over the world with help from the Chihuahuas*