More Jessica Alba Parenting Crap
The last time we spoke about Jessica Alba, we made fun of the fact that she punishes her eldest daughter by locking her in a dark bathroom for fifteen minutes at a time. And as most of you may have guessed, this method of parenting has earned Jessica the coveted Maman Seal of Approval. Yes, my Maman gave it two horns up and then she added: “All you have to do now is slap your daughter around with a degrading object. Personally, I prefer the Muppet slipper. There is something special about slapping your grown daughter around with Cookie Monster or Elmo. It’s called bonding, asshole. Look it up.”
Anyway, the Maman Seal of Approval has obviously gone straight to Jessica Alba’s head because she thought it would be a good idea to bring up parenting again: “I did have that dreaded moment when my daughter decided that every answer I gave her wasn’t a good one and she kept saying, ‘But why mommy? But why mommy?’ and I was like, ‘Because I said so.’ And I thought, ‘Oh God, I’m that mom, I’m my mom.’”
Jessica then added: “And that’s when I scrubbed her little mouth with a toilet brush and dunked her head in the toilet a few times. Yes, I consulted the Angry Mother and she said that this was the only way she was going to learn.”
Yeah, okay. Personally, I could give a rats ass about the whole situation. I am sure Jessica Alba is a much better parent than either one of mine. In fact, when I was about eight years old, my father was kind enough to bring me a warm mug of milk before bedtime. Normally, that would have been wonderful, but on that particular occasion, the milk was spoiled. Needless to say, I took one sip of milk and spit it directly back into my mug. The ensuing conversation went a little something like this:
MILDLY FRUSTRATED GREEK: Papa, I think my milk is spoiled!
DAD: Oh, okay. I be right back.
*Papa goes into the kitchen and comes back with a tin of cocoa powder. As I watch in silent horror, he dumps three spoonfuls of chocolate powder into my mug and stirs it all up*
DAD: There. Now you drink.
MILDLY FRUSTRATED GREEK: But...but Papa! The milk is spoiled!
DAD: So what? When I was little boy in Greece, we no have milk! We have armor! Did you know that Spartan fathers used to take retarded babies and leave them by the mountainside to die?
MILDLY FRUSTRATED GREEK: No.
DAD: Well, they did.
MILDLY FRUSTRATED GREEK: But what does that have to do with my milk?
DAD: Mount Diablo is only two hours away and I have a full tank of gas.
*tips my mug and drinks it all down without stopping*