Baba Yaga and Goat Bitch Are 'Engaged'
And before you loons start screaming about HENS and WET PANTIES and DONUT CHEESEBURGERS, may I point out the fact that Goat Bitch has no idea that he’s engaged to Baba Yaga? In fact, that poor bitch is currently prancing through a field of daisies wearing a summery white dress and carrying a jewelry box with a pair of diamond-encrusted cock rings inside.
“Oh, Georgie!” he sighs, stopping to adjust his white velvet panties. “I always knew I would be a summer bride!”
Yeah, I really hate to be a girl scout but somebody needs to stop him before he makes it to George Clooney’s house and gets the door slammed in his face.
“You lying whore!” Clooney will sob from the other side of the door. “You told me you loved me! You told me you’d never get married for the sake of publicity! I can’t believe I trusted you!”
“Georgie, what are you talking about?” Goat Bitch will shriek, pounding desperately on the door. “Let me in! Let me in right now!”
“No!” Clooney will scream, throwing a vase of flowers against the door. “The best years of my life, Goat Bitch! That’s what I gave you! The best years of my life and you CRAPPED all over them!”
Yeah, loons! I bet you didn’t know any of that was going on! Anyway, this whole fuckery parade started on Friday morning when Robert Procop, a famed jewelry designer, claimed that Baba Yaga was wearing an engagement ring that he and Goat Bitch had designed together. Shortly after that, Goat Bitch’s rep confirmed the rumors by saying: “Yes, it's confirmed. It is a promise for the future and their kids are very happy. There’s no date set at this time.”
Oh, yes! I am certain the children are very happy! Yeah, as if Zahara doesn’t have enough shit to deal with already! It’s not enough that the poor girl has to stay up all night patrolling the local orphanages with a stake and a crossbow! No! Now she has to convince Baba Yaga not to hire Japanese chefs to chop up live children during the dinner reception!
Anyway, who the hell knows what’s going on anymore. All I can do is sit here and imagine what Baba Yaga’s first meeting with the wedding planner will be like.
WEDDING PLANNER: Now, as far as the menu is concerned –
BABA YAGA: Oh! Well, I do have a tentative menu planned if you would like to hear it.
WEDDING PLANNER: Oh, yes! By all means!
BABA YAGA: Well, for the appetizer, I was thinking of serving pecan encrusted toddler fingers wrapped in baby spinach leaves.
WEDDING PLANNER: What?
BABA YAGA: And for the salad, we can have hearts of romaine lettuce with eggplant tapenade, shaved parmesan, and preteen pate.
WEDDING PLANNER: Holy fu –
BABA YAGA: And for the entree, something classy. Horseradish whipped potatoes, baby carrots and miniature yellow squash, and toddler tenderloin with Vidalia onion relish. How does that sound to you?
WEDDING PLANNER: Get the fuck out of here, you satanic hand puppet! And take your effeminate goat with you!