Muppet Slipper Assault In 3...2...1...
Okay, before I say anything else, I just want to point out the fact that Paris is about two seconds away from getting slapped upside the head with a wayward Muppet slipper. Normally, I would make an effort to warn the bitch, but I am too busy being a massive cunt to be bothered right now. Yeah! Excuse me for being busy! God, Paris! Not everything is about you, okay? Some of us actually have jobs!
Anyway, back to my original point. I was over at Maman’s house this weekend and she was desperately searching for her summer tablecloth to drape over the picnic table outside. After all, when you invite Satan and the ghost of Hitler over for brunch, you have to have something pretty to place the food on.
Yes. Well, judging by the above photo, Paris Hilton stole the tablecloth and decided to wear it as a skirt at Coachella this weekend. And for those of you who give a shit, Coachella is a large music festival that takes place in Indio, California every year. Personally, Maman prefers the annual Virgin Blood Sacrifices/Bake Sale that takes place in Death Valley, but that is another story for another day.
Yeah, I have no fucking idea what to say anymore. I hope Maman follows Paris to an abandoned parking lot and proceeds to beat the shit out of her with an Elmo slipper. And knowing Maman, she’ll probably have a Muppet slipper in one hand and a pair of brass knuckles on the other.
MAMAN: Take THAT! And THAT!
PARIS: NO! PLEASE!
MAMAN: And THAT!
PARIS: Oh my God! It burns! It BURNS!
MAMAN: And THAT! Goddammit, this is turning me on! Stick out your leg so I can hump it while I beat you!
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I must say, that table cloth looks awfully flammable . . .
Apr 17 at 10:03amTablecloth or clown tent. Can't decide.
Apr 17 at 10:03amLMAO! Yuck. This bitch needs to take a hike already. It looks like someone made a poop on a tablecloth.
Apr 17 at 10:07amJen, opa! Head Troll, it used to be Snooki's house but Paris stole it.
Apr 17 at 10:08amYOUR MOM DIDN'T BEAT YOU ENOUGH FREAK!!! YOU HAVE A REALLY BAD ATTITUDE!!!
Apr 17 at 10:10amHOW BAD DO YOU HENS FEEL? BRAD AND ANGIE ARE TYING THE KNOT AND ANUSTAIN IS TYING HER NOOSE!!!
Apr 17 at 10:10amGreek Girl, I'm laughing so hard! Maman needs to jump on Paris and beat the hell out of her. That outfit is criminal.
Apr 17 at 10:13amGood morning, sweeties! Huge hugs!
Apr 17 at 10:13amAnd clearly you have a sunny disposition, DQ. No noose here, though I know the idea of me all tied up turns you on. How goes the coming out?
Apr 17 at 10:14amHi, OF! Good morning everyone!
Apr 17 at 10:17amAG, if Paris stole Maman's tablecloth then she's in for a world of hurt. Somebody should film this.
Apr 17 at 10:18amCapsie, this is all you have to gloat about isn't it? Too bad. Jen seems very happy with her handsome (and well hung) boyfriend.
Apr 17 at 10:19amRMG, if someone clues the Gamemakers in, they could have a new Girl On Fire.
Apr 17 at 10:20amThat's right, Jen! You get kudos for the Hunger Games reference! :)
Apr 17 at 10:21amA promise to the future Caps? If I had six kids and been as ridden hard and put up wet as Baba Yaga, I would be so offended at a promise ring. My Dad says why buy the cow when the milk is free?
Apr 17 at 10:24amOh and Caps, some old lad stole that ring and keeps getting pictures taken of her hand.
HE bought Gwennie a ring too huh?
Apr 17 at 10:25amWait, a promise ring? That's it? She didn't even get a real engagement ring?
Damn, gotta give GB this one. He shut the b*tch up without committing to anything. Well played, Goat! Well played!
Apr 17 at 10:26ampammykins, hahaha! it looks like a claw!
Apr 17 at 10:26amChris, just think - she might actually get a manicure for the occasion. Satan's minions are readying the belt sander and varnish as we speak.
Apr 17 at 10:28amjen, the imagery is making me laugh! you could have put a ring on a vulture and it would have looked better!
Apr 17 at 10:30amhead troll, yeah! a promise ring. i guess goat bitch is a 12 year old girl.
Apr 17 at 10:30amChris, a 12-year-old girl would have bigger feet than the goat.
Apr 17 at 10:32amjen, and probably a bigger penis too.
Apr 17 at 10:35amNobody messes with Maman's summer tablecloth! Scandalous!
Apr 17 at 10:36amI KNEW ALL THE FREAKS AND HENS WOULD BE CRYING THIS WEEK!!!
Apr 17 at 10:41amCrying with laughter, yes. A promise ring! And no date set either! Who knew that Baba Yaga was such a DOORMAT!
Apr 17 at 10:43amNot crying, DQ. Really don't give a shit. This just means the Yaga will get to divorce him too. It's a truly cathartic experience, ridding oneself of a smelly goat.
Apr 17 at 10:43amCapsie, you're freaking out under every post! They haven't even set a date yet!
Apr 17 at 10:45amAnd I think I can see food stains (or something else) on that table cloth Paris is wearing.
Apr 17 at 10:46amGOOD MORNING, EVERYONE! :) Capsie, is that tablecloth Paris is wearing making you think of all the picnics you've terrorized in the past?
Apr 17 at 10:47amhandsome! *cuddles fiercely* i missed you!
Apr 17 at 10:49amwoooops! wrong post!
Apr 17 at 10:49amand good morning, team wig!
Apr 17 at 10:50amOh, but I'm here too...you can cuddle me fiercely in every post :)
Apr 17 at 10:52am*cuddles closer to my knight* i'm happy now!
Apr 17 at 10:54amAnd ma Maman had a tablecloth like this one too...in the 70s...
Apr 17 at 10:54amHandsome! Good evening, love!
Apr 17 at 10:54amLMAO! A tablecloth from the '70's is decadent! Just not on Paris Hilton!
Apr 17 at 10:55amHello, Mamie ! Good morning ! (still the morning for you ? Sometimes, I feel so jet lag ^___^).
Apr 17 at 10:56amIt's early afternoon for me, Handsome! It's evening for you, correct?
Apr 17 at 11:02amOr is it still the afternoon?
Apr 17 at 11:02amOK, theres's so many time differences :)
Apr 17 at 11:04amIt's 8PM for me...so I tell you good afternoon...or bon après-midi !
Hugs to everyone! I wish Maman good hunting!
Apr 17 at 11:06amIts still morning for me...It is all so confusing!
Apr 17 at 4:37pmI know what you mean...2AM for me and almost time to go to sleep. Hope you had a better night, mon ange !
Apr 17 at 4:39pmWell good afternoon to you then, lovely Knight. My nights have been up and down but I am managing! Life goes on :)
Apr 18 at 6:12amCruel Paris stole that from some loons who lumbered away to buy the tabloid that had an old photo of BY and GB on the cover. Like prior wedding talk (and some pregnancies), this story could go away at any time. In her defense, Paris honestly thought it was a skirt. She spends much less time at the table than loons.
Apr 19 at 12:00am*giggles* yes AB!
Apr 22 at 6:13pmI mean, judging Paris for stupid choices is like telling a small child that its THEIR fault that they were stupid enough to drink the off milk that you put in their cup. (Yes, I made that reference on purpose, AG) She doesn't have a brain, or any class. How is she meant to know the difference?
FA, exactly. Also, she inadverently got the loons to waddle a few more steps that day, so that's all to the good. Not that she knows that. Even she is smart enough to run from the loons.
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