Archive - 2012

Good morning, my darlings! I am sick and tired of having to make these excuses, but I got called into work for the third day in a row. My head is actually swimming right now so I hope this post makes some kind of sense! I hope everyone has a wonderful Monday, and congratulations on reaching over three-hundred comments under a single post! You guys are the best!

Lots of Love,
House Bitch

PS: Capsie, don’t worry. I’ll talk about the SAG Awards tomorrow morning. And no, I’m not referring to your udders.

Whenever the loons find it necessary to yank down their tent panties and spatter my inbox with death threats and fecal matter, that is my cue to take their latest obsessions and run with them. And since we have already made fun of the Oscar nominations, I thought we would go ahead and take aim at Baba Yaga’s visit to the farmer’s market.

First of all, you know Baba Yaga barely eats. Once a week, she’ll open up the freezer, grab some leftover toddler fingers, and marinate them in olive oil and oregano. The rest of the time, she’s too busy flying across the moon on a broomstick and rubbing toad semen all over her anal warts. She barely has time to eat! So that being said, why was she lurching around the farmer’s market the other day?

Well, according to House Bitch, this is what went down:

FARMER: Good morning! What can I get for you?

BABA YAGA: Silence, whore! I require the jellified guts of a newborn puppy. Might you have those around here?

FARMER: Um, no...

BABA YAGA: The powdered bones of an impertinent toddler?

FARMER: No.

BABA YAGA: The pulverized testicles of an effeminate goat?

FARMER: No.

BABA YAGA: What about a jar of freshly preserved virgin hymens?

FARMER: I think you need to leave now.

BABA YAGA: Curse you, shopkeep! Well, no matter. I shall find my treasures elsewhere! Come, brats! *yanks on the kids’ leashes and moves on to the next stall*

PS: House Bitch and I apologize for the lack of posts today, but she has to be out of the house soon. Excellent! That will give me time to change all the locks and order five hookers!

Because I am a stupid cunt with no discernable moral code, I am currently laughing my ass off at that first video! I am certain that I have told you all this story before, but considering the circumstances, I need to tell it again. Back when I was about two or three years old, I used to get into these random fights with a chicken on my grandparents’ farm. Every time I would walk outside, the chicken would be there waiting for me and we would throw down until an adult came to rescue me. Kind of like that chicken on Family Guy, only without the dramatic music.

Anyway, who the hell knows why that chicken hated me so much. Knowing my cantankerous ass, I probably pissed it off and it was holding a grudge against me. That’s okay. I respect grudges. In fact, it is only a matter of time before I wake up in the middle of the night to find Baba Yaga standing over my bed with a dildo and some flavored lubricant. Yes, a relationship like ours can only end in anal rape.

PS: As for the second video, did anyone else think that was leading up to a lesbian porn scene?

In other words, Goat Bitch was window shopping at Vera Wang the other day when he suddenly realized that Wang was the last name of the designer. Blinking back tears of disappointment, Goat Bitch started walking away until something in the window caught his eye. It was a dress. The most beautiful dress he had ever seen. He could barely take his eyes off the plunging neckline and billowy organza fabric. Breathlessly, Goat Bitch pressed his nose up to the glass and stared adoringly up at the dress.

“Oh, Georgie,” he breathed. “This gown would be perfect for our wedding day! Just wearing it would take years off my vagina!”

Yeah, so if you’re actually planning on watching the above video, simply keep in mind that Goat Bitch was referring to George Clooney. I actually did that a few minutes ago, which is unfortunate because now all I can think about is Clooney fucking Goat Bitch in the powder room before the ceremony.

“Careful, Georgie!” Goat Bitch gasps, clutching at the makeup counter with both hands. “The floating lace skirt is so delicate! I’m afraid you’ll tear it! Ohhhh, yeah! Spit in my mouth! Spit in my mouth!”

And can you imagine the commotion Baba Yaga would cause at that wedding? First of all, she’d walk into the church and everyone would look at each other and say, “Is this a funeral? Why is there a corpse in here?” And second of all, you know she would stand up at the very end and object to the marriage.

PRIEST: If anyone objects to the union of these two people, speak now or forever hold your peace.

BABA YAGA: Yeah, I object!

PRIEST: What the fu – who brought the corpse into the church? The Parkman funeral isn’t until four o’clock!

To begin with, I need to reassure you that you are not looking at a picture of a scrotum wearing a busted wig. However, if you blur your eyes and look closely at the screen, you will clearly see that this is Cameron Diaz after undergoing gender reassignment surgery. Yeah, I knew something was up when she crushed a beer can against her forehead and spread her legs in order to air out her testicles.

And on a semi-related subject, I just wanted to say that this reminds me of the time Slutty Gay Friend tried to bleach his hair. I assume that most of you know what a piece of candy corn looks like? Well, that is exactly what happened to his hair. I swear to God, the roots were platinum blonde, the middle was yellowish brown, and the tips were some kind of fucked-up diarrhea color.

Yeah, and because I’m such a good friend, I took one look at his hair and started laughing my ass off while he sobbed and told me that he was deformed! DEFORMED! Which, of course, made me laugh even harder.

Anyway, it all got straightened out in the end. We wrapped his stupid head in a towel and drove him over to a salon to get his hair fixed. Which brings me to my first point! When Slutty Gay Friend first came out of the salon, he looked exactly like Cameron Diaz in the above photo, only with a smaller penis.

And yes, I really do think that Cameron Diaz looks like a testicle in a dress. If you were to take a sexually-confused bullfrog and inject it in the ass with steroids and testosterone, then you would have a perfect replica of the above photo. Actually, no. I take that back. If you were to take a bodybuilder’s veiny penis and glue some yarn to the tip, then you would have a perfect replica of the above photo! Yes, pardon my mistake. I should have gone for the veiny penis reference right away. I honestly have no idea what I was thinking.

The beautiful and talented Kelly Clarkson is brought to you today by the very decadent Becca! Becca, you really hit the nail on the head this time! If Best Fwend were here right now, she would be swooning in her chair and delicately fanning her labia. However, since Best Fwend is not here to make inappropriate comments about Kelly, I will have to do so in her stead. Oh, Kelly! I know you have repeatedly denied the lesbian rumors, but how can that possibly stop me from fantasizing about you in a tinfoil bikini?

ANGRY GREEK: Hello, Kelly. That bikini top hugs your curves in all the right places.

KELLY: What the – who the hell are you? Why is there a bump on the back of my head?

ANGRY GREEK: I made us some chocolate fondue, Kelly. Would you like me to feed you some strawberries?

KELLY: Is that a sexual euphemism?

ANGRY GREEK: No, not at all. *unhooks my bra*

And now, here comes the part of the day where I write awkward posts about stalking Mia Kirshner and draping myself naked across her bed with a rose in my teeth. However, I am fresh out of stalker jokes this morning, so I will simply say that Old Fogey was kind enough to request Zachary Quinto on behalf of our French Knight!

Old Fogey, you are so expensive! In fact, if you were a house, I would have to take out two loans just to be able to afford you! And for once, Capsie, that was not a fat joke. You can stop sobbing into your bean burrito now. And speaking of which, what have I told you about eating beans with carbonated beverages? For the love of God, Capsie! Think of the ozone layer! And if you won’t do that, at least think of the children!

1) What the fu – GOAT BITCH! Is that my velvet scrunchie in your hair? And who told you you could borrow my purse? You fucking idiot! I’ll kill your ass when we get home!

2) What did you say? How am I doing? This bitch sprinkled salt on my head and told me how plump I was getting! How the fuck do you think I’m doing?

3) Oh, for the love of – somebody tell Goat Bitch his vagina is showing again! Ugh! I told him not to wear hoop skirts without bloomers!

Okay, I must be really tired this morning because that first video had me cracking up for about five minutes straight. And as for the second video, I blame Old Fogey for requesting it! Goddammit, Old Fogey! This is all your fault! I honestly have no idea which is funnier – the old lady, the bag, or the panicked security guard running after them. Ugh! My stomach hurts from laughing so hard.