February 3rd, 2012
House Bitch, if you happen to find a sturdy piece of dental floss in the bathroom, would you mind stringing it up and wrapping it around my neck? I am in the mood to jump off a toothpaste cap and hang myself this morning. You see, I am stuck here, watching musicals with you every night while Rosie gets to have hot sex with a beautiful woman. And even that would be fine if you would actually let me feel you up every once in a while! God, I am so sick of you! PRUDE! *throws a vodka bottle at House Bitch’s head*
Oh, Foxy! What happened to us? I can still remember the first time I ever laid eyes on you. I was dancing naked on top of the bar at Le Beaver Barn and there you were, sipping a vodka martini. You were so beautiful, I knew I had to talk to you.
VAGINA: By all the stars in heaven! Who are you? You are the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on.
FOXY: My name is Megan. Who are you? You have such beautiful skin.
VAGINA: My name is Vagina.
FOXY: How exotic. Is that Middle-Eastern?
VAGINA: No, but I would love to eat your couscous. May I buy you a drink?
FOXY: Only one?
VAGINA: Marry me.
Oh, God! The pain! I can’t take it anymore! Please, let’s just change the subject! Okay, back to Rosie and her all-you-can-eat wedding plans! According to Us Weekly, her wedding is going to be a decadent affair: “[Rosie] is thinking of having her brother walk her down the aisle. She wants a proper, traditional wedding this time around. Michelle will say vows to the kids as well as to Rosie.”
*sniff* Foxy and I were planning on walking down the aisle someday. She said she wanted to marry me on the beach and make drunken love to me under the stars. Oh, God! The pain is back again! Quick, let’s make fun of Rosie’s wedding ceremony:
You know what, sign? If you are going to use that kind of coarse language in front of me, then you can just get the fuck out of here! I am a lady of class and breeding and it is my duty to set an example for young vaginas everywhere! So please take a seat and allow me to show you how you should have done this:
1) Approach the computer screen and sink into a modest curtsy.
2) Say, “Please excuse my forward manner, but ladies are slippery when wet.”
3) Raise your pinkie in the air for added class.
There! Was that so difficult? Now tighten your corset strings and get the hell out of my sight! My word! Young signs these days! They have no respect for good manners! *daintily fans myself with a pair of silk panties*
House Bitch, I have no idea what the hell is going on around here, but we are not showing this sign to Slutty Gay Friend! The last thing I want to do is drive down to Napa Valley for a testicle tasting! How the hell does that even happen, anyway? Is it like wine tasting? Do the testicles get judged on their flavor and aromatic qualities? Because if so, I am not going to the fucking festival! No! I have a previous engagement and you can all suck my tits! *runs into the liquor cabinet and locks the door*
YOU JEALOUS HAGS! I HOPE ALL OF YOU SEE THE COVER OF THIS MAGAZINE AND THROW YOURSELVES OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW! YOU’RE ALL RAUNCHY! RAUNCHY AND BARREN AND – WAIT A SECOND! DID I JUST HEAR THE ICE CREAM TRUCK? OH MY GOD, I’LL BE RIGHT BACK! *grabs a baseball bat and waddles out the door*
OKAY, I’M BACK! OH MY GOD! MOMMA ANGIE AND POPPA PITT ARE GONNA HAVE TWINS AGAIN! SUCK ON THAT, HENS! POOR HAGISTON DOESN’T HAVE ANY KIDS BECAUSE HER OVARIES ARE DRY AND SHRIVELED UP! MEANWHILE, ANGIE AND BRAD ARE HAVING LOTS OF HOT SEX EVERY NIGHT WHEN THE KIDS ARE ASLEEP! OH MY GOD, MY TENT PANTIES ARE QUIVERING AT THE THOUGHT OF IT! I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO GET IN BETWEEN THOSE TWO! OH, THE HOURS THEY WOULD SPEND TRYING TO FIND MY GENITALS UNDER MY STOMACH BLUBBER!
AND IN OTHER NEWS, I ATE AN ENTIRE CASE OF BEAN BURRITOS THIS MORNING AND I THINK I MAY HAVE FARTED THROUGH MY COUCH CUSHIONS. WHO DOES ONE CALL IN SITUATIONS LIKE THESE? SHOULD I CONTACT THE FURNITURE STORE? I THINK THE COUCH MIGHT STILL BE UNDER WARRANTY. OH, TO HELL WITH IT! I FEEL SAD AND CONFUSED, WHICH MEANS I SHOULD PROBABLY BURY MY FEELINGS UNDERNEATH HAMBURGERS AND COOKIE DOUGH.
GOD BLESS THIS BEAUTIFUL FAMILY! ANUSTAIN IS A LEATHER-FACE HAG! JUSTIN IS A MISERABLE MIDGET! SHILOH LOOKS JUST LIKE HER DADDY! VIVIENNE IS SUCH A LITTLE LADY! MADDOX IS SUCH A GOOD BROTHER! I MIGHT BE LOSING MY LEGS TO TYPE II DIABETES!
PS: I am so sorry for the lack of posts today, my expensive hos, but today is going to be a hectic day! Have a wonderful Thursday!
Because I absolutely adore our decadent angryvinolover, I am honoring her request by re-posting the video of our favorite cheerleader. I swear to God, every time I see this video, I giggle like Goat Bitch at a debutante ball. And angryvinolover, please keep one hand on your wine bottle at all times. The AV is watching you like a hawk and I know it is only a matter of time before she tries something funny.
PS: The second video explains why Capsie is always upset for no reason.
Thanks to our extremely decadent Head Troll, I am currently the proud owner of two of the gayest photos I have ever seen in my life. And considering the fact that I have seen Slutty Gay Friend prancing around in a Marie Antoinette costume, that's really saying something! So thank you for that, Head Troll! I feel alive again!
However, before I launch into my usual bullshit, I just wanted to say a few words about Baba Yaga. For the past two years, I have been writing about Baba Yaga on a fairly regular basis and frankly, I am running out of ways to say, “WHAT THE FUCK, YOU DAMN COKE WHORE BITCH!”
Seriously, I have no fucking idea who she is trying to convince in the above photo, but I have more chemistry with my goddamn laptop. In fact, my laptop is sitting on my lap right now and I am fingering it. The keys, I mean. Ah, fuck it! You know what I am trying to say!
And as for Goat Bitch, you know he’s pretending to be Drew Barrymore in Ever After. For the love of God, Goat Bitch! All that’s missing is a gossamer gown and a pair of sparkly angel wings! In fact, I think his conversation with Clooney went a little something like this:
GOAT BITCH: I am the one, my prince. The one you have been searching for. The one you danced with at the ball.
CLOONEY: Your – your eyes. They look very familiar...
GOAT BITCH: Yes! Yes, my prince! And if you allow me to, I’ll love you forever! I’ll even try on the glass slipper!
CLOONEY: Can’t you just slip a condom on me instead?
GOAT BITCH: Done! *dislocates his jaw and drops to his knees*
As many of you may have noticed, Pammykins has been tormenting me all week long with her underhanded references to Miss Margarine. And in case you have no idea who Miss Margarine is, let me fill you in on all the gory details. Back when Slutty Gay Friend and I were little, his mom bought him a terrifying doll from a local antique shop. According to Slutty Gay Friend, he chose the fucking doll, but I have a hard time believing that shit. If anything, that fucking doll chose him! Miss Margarine controlled his mind!
Anyway, that doll scared the living shit out of me. It looked like it was going to come to life in the middle of the night and rape me at knife point. The first time I laid eyes on it, I nearly crapped my pants. I literally cowered in a corner of the room and shook with terror until Slutty Gay Friend put it away.
Naturally, my sheer terror amused Slutty Gay Friend. So whenever he would come over to play, he would “accidentally” leave Miss Margarine behind. That dumb fucking asshole. One time, he went into my bedroom and slid Miss Margarine under my bed. For two weeks, I didn’t notice anything and I actually started to believe that Slutty Gay Friend had finally outgrown her.
Well, guess what? Late one night, I woke up with a sore throat and decided I wanted a glass of water. It was really cold that night, so I started looking around the room for my fuzzy slippers. Imagine my surprise when I reached under my bed, felt something strange, and pulled out Miss Margarine. I screamed so loudly, I lost my voice for three days.
Anyway, the point of that whole story is to say that I would rather let Suri Cruise beat me into a coma with her fancy-ass gym bag than spend a minute alone with Miss Margarine. Suri may be a hard-ass but at least you can reason with her. Miss Margarine, on the other hand...
ANGRY GREEK: Please, Miss Margarine! No!
The beautiful and sexy Natalie Portman is brought to you today by our very decadent French Knight! And because he is so thoughtful, he has dedicated this post to our very own Falling Angel! Hooray! Vodka for everyone! And now, here comes the part of the day where I make awkward sexual references to Mia Kirshner and the series of nude photos I just sent her. Gosh, you guys! I’m so nervous! I really hope she likes the one of me eating that strawberry! What? Of course she’s expecting my photos! Of course she knows who I am! Hey, why the third degree all of a sudden? What are you, a cop? Back the fuck off, bitch! *grabs my edible panties and runs*
I have no earthly idea who William Levy is, but I must say that he is one of the most beautiful men I have ever seen. Slutty Gay Friend, please do your best to marry this man. Actually, no. Please do your best to marry the French Knight. I want to see you floating down the aisle in a white organza gown while the handsome Knight waits for you at the altar. And once again, I have to remind you not to invite the vagina to the ceremony. The last time she went to a wedding, she got drunk, felt up the mother of the bride, and relieved herself in a corner of the church. Sacrilegious! You are going straight to hell, vagina! Yeah, that might have sounded more convincing had I not been giggling into my hands.