January 5th, 2012
Capsie, I hate to have to break this to you, but it appears that our beloved Pammykins has developed a crush on another woman. And unlike you, Charisma Carpenter does not leave holes in the furniture after she passes gas. Nor can she double as a wrecking ball by tying a rope around her middle and waddling over to a construction site.
I guess what I am trying to say is, you are going to have to work extremely hard to win Pammykins back. Because from what I understand, Charisma Carpenter wishes Pammykins a Happy Halloween every single day. You see, Capsie? That is what love is all about - whispering holiday greetings to your faux lesbian lover while the sun slowly sets behind the mountains. Usually, I would sing the love theme from Titanic, but I think you're in enough emotional pain at this point.
Yesterday afternoon, while I was helping a friend of mine at her store, some supercilious bitch walked in and asked if I could fix her laptop for her. After examining the laptop and asking her a few questions, I finally told her that I would have it fixed by the following afternoon.
End of story, right? Well, no, because instead of turning around and leaving the store, this woman looked at me and said, "Has anyone ever told you that your glasses are really outdated?"
After standing there in shock for a second or two, I finally recovered and said, "Ma'am, you just walked into a computer repair shop. Are you really that surprised to see a pair of dorky glasses?"
So she stared at me for a few seconds, then turned around and walked out the door. So, yeah. I have no fucking idea what that was about, but I am fairly certain that she and I will not be going to the movies and mashing potatoes in the back of the theater. Which is too bad because her cunty attitude was starting to turn me on.
So, yeah. If you ever needed proof that the Angry Greek is a complete doofus, then look no further than this post! I openly admit to being uncool, dorky, geeky, and a whole bunch of other things. But thankfully, you all love me anyway.
So with that being said, here is the gorgeous and delectable Josh Holloway! The fabulous Team Wig has been emailing me compulsively all week long, and she was the one who requested him. Oh, and Team Wig, about those emails - what do you want me to do with your vagina pictures? I was thinking about making a collage out of them, but I wanted to ask your opinion first. After all, this is your honey pot we're talking about.
To be completely honest, when I first saw that kid jumping on the cushion and launching the puppy into the air, I laughed out loud. But then, after about two seconds, I wanted to grab that kid and shove his head down the toilet. What the fuck is wrong with him? That poor puppy was just standing there, minding his own business, when he was blasted into the air! Stupid kids! I have no idea why my parents didn't abandon me by the side of the road when I was little! Probably because the worst punishment they could have ever given me was to raise me as their own. Goddammit, those bitches are clever!
SINCE I HAVE RUN OUT OF BRIGHT IDEAS THIS MORNING, I THOUGHT I WOULD GO AHEAD AND CHANNEL CAPSIE FOR THE DURATION OF THIS POST. AFTER ALL, IS THERE ANYTHING BETTER THAN YELLING ABOUT HENS AND OVARIES AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS? WELL, IF THERE IS, I HAVE YET TO FIND IT!
SO LISTEN UP, ALL YOU BARREN HAGS! THIS CHRISTMAS, MY ANGIE DECIDED TO GIFT BRAD WITH HIS VERY OWN WATERFALL IN CALIFORNIA! OH MY GOD! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I BET THEY HAD LOTS OF HOT SEX THAT NIGHT! OH MY GOD! I AM AS MOIST AS A SNACK CAKE JUST THINKING ABOUT IT!
MEANWHILE, ANUSTAIN TOOK HER MIDGET TO THE CIRCUS AND GOT HIM AN ACTING JOB! HA! I CRACK MYSELF UP! GOD, I HATE BABY JANE SO MUCH! FOR SOME REASON, I CAN NEVER GET HER BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HAIR OUT OF MY HEAD. EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, I SEE HER PERKY BREASTS AND FIRM BOTTOM DANCING IN FRONT OF ME. WHY? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? WHY AM I HAVING THESE INAPPROPRIATE THOUGHTS? I HATE HER AND YET, I LONG TO KISS THOSE SOFT LIPS AND WHISPER SWEET WORDS INTO THOSE DELICATE SEASHELL EARS.
NO! NO! I CAN'T BE HAVING THOSE THOUGHTS! THEY ARE UNCLEAN! STUFF THEM DOWN! STUFF THEM DOWN! BURY THEM UNDERNEATH COOKIES AND CANDY AND ASSORTED PIES! GODDAMN YOU, HAGISTON! JUST FOR THAT, I'M GONNA VISIT YOUR I.M.D.B. PAGE AND CALL YOU A LEATHER-FACE TROLLOP UNTIL MY GIRL ERECTION GOES DOWN!
PS: GOD BLESS THE JOLIE-PITTS! SHILOH LOOKS JUST LIKE HER DADDY! VIVIENNE IS SUCH A LITTLE LADY! ANGIE IS SO HUMBLE AND KIND! POPPA PITT IS SO SEXY! WHY CAN’T I FIT THROUGH THE DOOR ANYMORE?
I am so sorry for the delay this morning, my darlings, but this stupid stomach virus will not die. I promise to do my best with the posts this morning, but at this point, all of them could be about anal leakage or stomach acid. I am just in the mood. And on that decadent note, here is the very sexy Evangeline Lilly! Our French Knight requested her a while ago and I am just now getting around to it. Shame on me again! I would ask somebody to bend me over and spank me, but I'm deathly afraid of what would come out of the other end.
Our adorable French Knight asked me to put up Matthew Goode over a week ago, and I kept forgetting to do so! Shame on me, mon cheri! So not classy! And for the rest of my expensive hos who have made requests, I promise I will get around to them! I am just a wee bit overwhelmed at the moment! This is what happens when the vagina takes a liking to your knee. You are constantly in a state of alert and you have the Rape Crisis Center on your speed dial. My poor knee! It will never be the same again! No, vagina! My knee did NOT want it! Stop lying to my face! Since when can a goddamn knee give consent? You synovial hinge joint rapist!
After spending most of last night on my knees in front of the toilet, I thought it would be appropriate to find videos of people barfing and humiliating themselves in public. After all, I am a sick bitch and I enjoy watching other people getting barfed on. Speaking of which, why didn’t any of the other kids laugh while this shit was happening? If someone had barfed on me during one of my school concerts, I would have shit myself laughing. You know. Just to give the janitor a little something to do. Oh, you are so welcome! Happy New Year, asshole!
PS: I am never going to eat potato salad again. I swear to God, that is what made me sick.
Okay, first of all, if the kids can afford to pay a thousand dollars every time they say a bad word, then Baba Yaga is grossly overpaying them! Fuck! I used to do the laundry, mop the floors, wash the dishes, and vacuum the house for nothing! Which is probably why my Maman refers to me as “Consuela” and makes me sleep on a towel on the bathroom floor. But I digress.
And just for the record, why do I have the sneaking suspicion that when Baba Yaga doles out allowances, it goes a little something like this:
BABA YAGA: All right, bitches! Gather round! Shiloh! Where the fuck is Shiloh? Oh, there you are! Okay, how many paparazzi photos did you appear in last month?
BABA YAGA: Four? What the fuck is wrong with you?
SHILOH: What? I had the flu for two weeks! I couldn’t go outside!
BABA YAGA: Well, that’s no excuse! I had the flu for two fucking days and I managed to plagiarize an entire book!
SHILOH: I’m sorry. I’ll do better next time.
BABA YAGA: You’re damn right, you’ll do better! Okay, four pictures. Were they published in more than two major tabloids?
BABA YAGA: Did you smile in any of them?
BABA YAGA: Jesus! Okay, so I owe you...$2,300. Sign the back of the check and get the fuck out of my sight. Next!
Anyway, enough of my shit for now. According to the Celebs Gather website, Baba Yaga has strict rules about swearing in the house: “Jolie and Pitt have reportedly banned swear words, the word ‘stupid,’ and the saying, ‘I hate you.’ This universal ban covers not only the kiddies but also ma and pa. So anyone who breaks this ban is fined $1,000, and the money goes to charity.”
And before any of you get started with me this morning, let me just clear the air about a few things. Which is necessary, considering that Snooki has gas.
1) No, that is not a picture of a scrotum in a Wilma Flintstone wig. And whoever is spreading that rumor needs to stop that right now! After all, Snooki is a litigious bitch and I am not about to fork over forty-thousand baby teeth or twenty-thousand toenail clippings. Yeah! That is what they use for currency in the swamps!
2) Yes, the expression on Snooki’s face happened after she accidentally sat on her balls. It happens, people! God! Get over it! I thought we were all adults here!
3) No, Snooki did not actually dye her hair red. She ran out of menstrual pads, so she grabbed a wig off the bathroom floor and stuffed it down her panties. That explains a lot, doesn’t it?
Okay, so now that I have set the record straight on a few things, I can officially talk about Snooki and her fucked up makeover. For some reason, the Swamp Midget decided that it would be a good idea to dye her hair red for the upcoming year. Because getting an experimental head transplant was completely out of the question. DAMMIT!
So basically, I think this bitch could have printed out some crime scene photos and taped them to the side of her head. One, blood is a vibrant red color, which is what she was going for. And two, looking at crime scene photos would be a hell of a lot less disturbing. Yeah. I would take severed body parts and scattered entrails over Snooki any day.
So, I guess what I’m saying is...I’m a cunt. And if anyone has a problem with that, they can kiss my fat ass. Yeah, so...I heard that Mia Kirshner thinks I’m a cunt. Which means...which means she has to kiss my ass, right? Oh, and just for the record, my ass cheeks spread on their own whenever I take my pants down. It’s not like I'm doing it on purpose or anything. God! Why are you looking at me that way? Look, just mind your own damn business, okay?