Stories about clitty litter of the day
The amazingly gorgeous Hudson Leick is brought to you today by Slutty Gay Friend! And because he is currently tipsy at nine o’clock in the morning, he has dedicated this post to our very decadent Luscious Lynn! Slutty Gay Friend, I have no idea what the hell is going on, but the vagina is not the best person to go to for advice. After all, when I asked her what I should do about my laryngitis, she suggested that I coat my throat with Kahlua and vaginal secretions. In other words, what Baba Yaga sprinkles over her toddler tenderloin on Saturday evenings.
If Best Fwend were here right now, she would be giggling girlishly and scribbling love notes to Sharon Stone on the back of a pair of whore panties. Just between us, Best Fwend used to be obsessed with the love scene from Basic Instinct. In fact, she swears that Sharon Stone may have turned her gay. Best Fwend, there is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting that. After all, Slutty Gay Friend strongly believes that He-Man turned him into a giggling queen. Which is very likely, considering that He-Man walked around in panties, a breastplate, and chose to wear his hair in a stylish bob.
The lovely and talented Helena Bonham Carter is brought to you today by our very decadent Becca! And because Becca is so decadent, she has dedicated this post to our lovely Falling Angel! So expensive of you, Becca! So expensive! If you were a hooker in one of the vagina’s brothels, your clients would have to pass a credit check before they were allowed to see you! Sadly enough, I wish I could say the same for the vagina. The last time I checked, she was selling herself for two dollars and a coupon to Burger King.
The absolutely gorgeous Katie McGrath is brought to you today by our very decadent Team Wig! And Team Wig, I hope you appreciate what I did for you because the search for Katie McGrath photos led me to some seedy websites with questionable ads in the sidebars. I am sorry, but I am not interested in growing my penis another five inches. What the hell are you trying to say, website? Am I unsatisfactory in the bedroom? Do I not spend enough time on foreplay? Well, FUCK YOU! If you hadn’t let your body go to hell after that first pregnancy then maybe I might be more interested!
Our very expensive Old Fogey requested Adele this morning because in her words: “I would ride that ginger beast until my left breast was slung over my shoulder.” Old Fogey, I have no idea what you are implying here but I admit that I’m fascinated. Are you saying that your left breast would literally be draped over your shoulder? Like a purse? Because if so, you need to take pictures and forward them to me. Thank you very much in advance.
Yeah, and since I have nothing else to say, I am going sit here and complain about my lesbian friends wanting to drag me out to a club on Friday night. The last time this happened, one of my friends climbed up onto a bar stool, lost her balance, and broke her fucking coccyx bone.
Fucking hell. Friday hasn’t even arrived yet and I’m already sick of this shit! Sit your ass down on the bar stool like a normal human being and drink your goddamn cocktail! I am too old and too cranky to be driving your inebriated ass to the emergency room! Goddammit! I have enough problems with the vagina and her wandering hands! *pushes her away from my chest and gives her a light kick with my slipper*
You know, as much as I like to tease Luscious Lynn for being so magically delicious, she also happens to have a very lovely heart. In fact, she was kind enough to dedicate the very decadent Lzzy Hale on behalf of Becca last weekend! Becca, I also hope that you are feeling much better this morning! Normally, I would send the vagina over with some homemade soup but I am deathly afraid of her showing up on your doorstep in a crotchless nurse’s uniform and a case of vodka.
That is one fucked up version of Little Red Riding Hood, let me tell you. Yeah, I sent Little Red Riding Whore into the woods to bring a basket of goodies to grandma and instead, she went to a bar and got pubic lice from a hooker named Puddin'. Not good, vagina. Not good. This is not a good path you are going down. Nope. Not good at all.
You know what, sign? If you are going to use that kind of coarse language in front of me, then you can just get the fuck out of here! I am a lady of class and breeding and it is my duty to set an example for young vaginas everywhere! So please take a seat and allow me to show you how you should have done this:
1) Approach the computer screen and sink into a modest curtsy.
2) Say, “Please excuse my forward manner, but ladies are slippery when wet.”
3) Raise your pinkie in the air for added class.
There! Was that so difficult? Now tighten your corset strings and get the hell out of my sight! My word! Young signs these days! They have no respect for good manners! *daintily fans myself with a pair of silk panties*
The beautiful and sexy Natalie Portman is brought to you today by our very decadent French Knight! And because he is so thoughtful, he has dedicated this post to our very own Falling Angel! Hooray! Vodka for everyone! And now, here comes the part of the day where I make awkward sexual references to Mia Kirshner and the series of nude photos I just sent her. Gosh, you guys! I’m so nervous! I really hope she likes the one of me eating that strawberry! What? Of course she’s expecting my photos! Of course she knows who I am! Hey, why the third degree all of a sudden? What are you, a cop? Back the fuck off, bitch! *grabs my edible panties and runs*
The beautiful and talented Kelly Clarkson is brought to you today by the very decadent Becca! Becca, you really hit the nail on the head this time! If Best Fwend were here right now, she would be swooning in her chair and delicately fanning her labia. However, since Best Fwend is not here to make inappropriate comments about Kelly, I will have to do so in her stead. Oh, Kelly! I know you have repeatedly denied the lesbian rumors, but how can that possibly stop me from fantasizing about you in a tinfoil bikini?
ANGRY GREEK: Hello, Kelly. That bikini top hugs your curves in all the right places.
KELLY: What the – who the hell are you? Why is there a bump on the back of my head?
ANGRY GREEK: I made us some chocolate fondue, Kelly. Would you like me to feed you some strawberries?
KELLY: Is that a sexual euphemism?
ANGRY GREEK: No, not at all. *unhooks my bra*
Our French Knight also requested the very lovely Lara Pulver, who happens to have enchanting eyes. I must admit that after looking at that last picture, I have the sudden urge to wear bloomers and say things like, “Oh my word!” and “Yes, I supped with the duchess last night and her comportment was positively boorish!”
But as AB kindly pointed out yesterday, if I ever need lessons on how to act like a Victorian lady, all I have to do is pick up the phone and call Goat Bitch. After all, I am sure he has an opinion on how I should carry my lace parasol.