Stories about baba bullshit
And before you loons start screaming about HENS and WET PANTIES and DONUT CHEESEBURGERS, may I point out the fact that Goat Bitch has no idea that he’s engaged to Baba Yaga? In fact, that poor bitch is currently prancing through a field of daisies wearing a summery white dress and carrying a jewelry box with a pair of diamond-encrusted cock rings inside.
“Oh, Georgie!” he sighs, stopping to adjust his white velvet panties. “I always knew I would be a summer bride!”
Yeah, I really hate to be a girl scout but somebody needs to stop him before he makes it to George Clooney’s house and gets the door slammed in his face.
“You lying whore!” Clooney will sob from the other side of the door. “You told me you loved me! You told me you’d never get married for the sake of publicity! I can’t believe I trusted you!”
“Georgie, what are you talking about?” Goat Bitch will shriek, pounding desperately on the door. “Let me in! Let me in right now!”
“No!” Clooney will scream, throwing a vase of flowers against the door. “The best years of my life, Goat Bitch! That’s what I gave you! The best years of my life and you CRAPPED all over them!”
Yeah, loons! I bet you didn’t know any of that was going on! Anyway, this whole fuckery parade started on Friday morning when Robert Procop, a famed jewelry designer, claimed that Baba Yaga was wearing an engagement ring that he and Goat Bitch had designed together. Shortly after that, Goat Bitch’s rep confirmed the rumors by saying: “Yes, it's confirmed. It is a promise for the future and their kids are very happy. There’s no date set at this time.”
Oh, yes! I am certain the children are very happy! Yeah, as if Zahara doesn’t have enough shit to deal with already! It’s not enough that the poor girl has to stay up all night patrolling the local orphanages with a stake and a crossbow! No! Now she has to convince Baba Yaga not to hire Japanese chefs to chop up live children during the dinner reception!
Anyway, who the hell knows what’s going on anymore. All I can do is sit here and imagine what Baba Yaga’s first meeting with the wedding planner will be like.
WEDDING PLANNER: Now, as far as the menu is concerned –
BABA YAGA: Oh! Well, I do have a tentative menu planned if you would like to hear it.
WEDDING PLANNER: Oh, yes! By all means!
BABA YAGA: Well, for the appetizer, I was thinking of serving pecan encrusted toddler fingers wrapped in baby spinach leaves.
WEDDING PLANNER: What?
BABA YAGA: And for the salad, we can have hearts of romaine lettuce with eggplant tapenade, shaved parmesan, and preteen pate.
WEDDING PLANNER: Holy fu –
BABA YAGA: And for the entree, something classy. Horseradish whipped potatoes, baby carrots and miniature yellow squash, and toddler tenderloin with Vidalia onion relish. How does that sound to you?
WEDDING PLANNER: Get the fuck out of here, you satanic hand puppet! And take your effeminate goat with you!
Usually, when Baba Yaga is upset about something, she will turn herself into a bat, fly over to the local orphanage, and volunteer to cook meals for the orphans. In other words, she comes down the chimney, strangles every adult in sight, and proceeds to force feed the children until they are sick to their stomachs.
“Eat!” she shrieks. “Eat, goddamn you! There is nothing worse than stringy toddler meat! You there! The brat in the yellow overalls! Keep marinating yourself in olive oil until I tell you to stop! Yeah! Don’t blame me when I toss you onto the barbecue and your skin sticks to the grill!”
Anyway, I really have to shake my head at Baba Yaga because apparently, she is still upset over the whole leg incident at the Oscars. Bitch, what did you think would happen? Did you honestly think that no one would make fun of you?
Stupid cunt. Anyway, according to the Celebs Gather website, Baba Yaga has been binge drinking and chain smoking on the set of Maleficent: “She always stinks of smoke. Angelina is all sharp bones and it hurts Brad when they hug.”
Okay, pardon me for laughing at that quote but since when does Baba Yaga hug Goat Bitch? Does this make sense to any of you? It doesn’t? Well, then I need to adjust the quote so that it actually makes sense: “She always stinks of rotting flesh. Baba Yaga is all sharp bones and it hurts Brad when she fucks him up the ass without lubricant. She has a very large penis.”
There. Much better. And speaking of large penises, I heard that George Clooney got arrested last week. How much do you want to bet that five minutes after Clooney was behind bars, a sobbing Goat Bitch ran into the police station with a jar full of pennies?
“Please, Officer!” Goat Bitch wept, placing the penny jar onto the counter. “This is all I have! Release him into my custody! I love him so much! There is a hole in my ass only he can fill! Please, Officer! PLEASE!”
First of all, I think the writers over at OK! magazine confused Baba Yaga with Goat Bitch because for some reason, I have a hard time picturing a two-thousand-year-old corpse giggling her way through a pajama party. Goat Bitch, on the other hand, probably showed up in a lacy nightgown and proceeded to chat about his boyfriend and how they kissed with tongues behind the 7-Eleven on Castro Street.
And for some reason, I can also picture Goat Bitch getting his hair braided by Vivienne while Zahara paints his toenails and tells him how pretty his eyelashes are.
“Oh, these old things?” Goat Bitch lisps, coyly batting his eyelashes. “Ugh! I hate them! But it’s awfully sweet of you to say so, Zahara! Gosh, will you be my best friend and trade glitter pencils with me after school?”
“Get fucked, bitch,” Zahara says, continuing to paint his nails.
Anyway, according to an interview with OK! magazine, Baba Yaga and Goat Bitch have pajama parties with the kids before bedtime: “Our happiest moments are probably in the evening before the kids go to bed. We often play together in our pajamas after dinner and it's like having a party sometimes where we're all dancing and jumping around and being silly. That's when you really feel the beauty of having a family. It's our little world."
Yeah, and for those of you who are wondering – yes, I did manage to find the unedited version of that quote before OK! magazine cleaned it up. And here it is:
“My happiest moments are when those fucking brats get locked up in their cages for the night. That’s when I put on my lingerie and meet Jenny Shimizu down in the basement. We often play together in the basement when the brats are asleep. I especially love jumping up and down on her penis. You have no idea how large that woman is. When I go to the bathroom the next morning, my urine usually squirts out in three different directions. Yeah, that’s when you really feel the beauty of fucking a bulldyke. It’s our own little world.”
PS: I think I may have found the cartoon version of Baba Yaga and Goat Bitch. Please take a moment to view the short clip and after that, repeat after me: “SWEEP OUT MY SARCOPHAGUS!”
And just so you know ahead of time, there was absolutely no mention of shopping for children at day care centers or local playgrounds, so you know this whole interview is a crock of shit! Baba Yaga will actually walk up to a toddler in the park and thump them on the head to see if they’re ripe. I also happen to know that she feeds corn kernels to toddlers right out of the palm of her hand. For the love of God, Baba Yaga. Has it really come to that? Corn-fed toddlers? I hope Jane the Vampire Slayer opens your coffin tonight and stakes you right in the heart.
Anyway, according to Diet.co.uk, Baba Yaga has a small appetite and eats a lot of red meat: “Angelina Jolie's diet is based around her not having a big appetite, so she does not need to go on diets to lose weight. She even eats red meat which is a known favourite of hers. Angelina favours lean steaks as part of her diet. This enables her to eat enough protein without stuffing her face.”
Okay, first of all - LIARS! We all know what Baba Yaga’s diet secret is, and it does not involve eating red meat! No! In fact, I managed to sneak into the cemetery late last night and catch Baba Yaga as she was leaving her crypt. Here is what she had to say:
ANGRY GREEK: Hi, Baba Yaga!
BABA YAGA: What the – YOU AGAIN?
ANGRY GREEK: Ha! Yeah! Sorry about that! I was actually wondering if I could ask you a few que –
BABA YAGA: Get the hell out of here, sugar tits! I have an orphanage to plunder!
ANGRY GREEK: But – but that’s what I came here to talk to you about! Your culinary talents!
BABA YAGA: Oh! Well, why didn’t you fucking say so?
ANGRY GREEK: Well, you didn’t give me the chance! Actually, I am currently wondering how you stay so skeletally thin. Do you have a secret?
BABA YAGA: I have several secrets! For several hundred years, I was lying dead in an ancient Egyptian tomb, so that took some weight off me. And after I was resurrected, I somehow fell into the La Brea Tar Pits and stayed there for about five-hundred years. So again – weight loss. And then –
ANGRY GREEK: Do you follow a special diet?
BABA YAGA: Well, yes. But first of all, you have to understand that I exercise! I burn many calories chasing after toddlers every day! It takes work breaking into homes and snatching children from their beds! People don’t appreciate that!
ANGRY GREEK: Awww, I’m sorry!
BABA YAGA: And if those brats manage to get away from you – well, you’d better have the stamina to catch up to them or the police will get involved!
ANGRY GREEK: Do you have a special way of preparing toddler meat?
BABA YAGA: Well, I scrape the toddler meat off the bones, chop it into fine pieces, and season it with rosemary and wild thyme.
ANGRY GREEK: Sounds delicious!
BABA YAGA: It is! And so lean! If you were to eat toddler meat every day for the rest of your life, you would never gain an ounce!
ANGRY GREEK: Thank you, but no. I still have a soul.
BABA YAGA: Do I smell a hymen?
ANGRY GREEK: Okay, yeah. It’s time for me to go. *covers my crotch and runs away from her as fast as I can*
In other words, Goat Bitch was window shopping at Vera Wang the other day when he suddenly realized that Wang was the last name of the designer. Blinking back tears of disappointment, Goat Bitch started walking away until something in the window caught his eye. It was a dress. The most beautiful dress he had ever seen. He could barely take his eyes off the plunging neckline and billowy organza fabric. Breathlessly, Goat Bitch pressed his nose up to the glass and stared adoringly up at the dress.
“Oh, Georgie,” he breathed. “This gown would be perfect for our wedding day! Just wearing it would take years off my vagina!”
Yeah, so if you’re actually planning on watching the above video, simply keep in mind that Goat Bitch was referring to George Clooney. I actually did that a few minutes ago, which is unfortunate because now all I can think about is Clooney fucking Goat Bitch in the powder room before the ceremony.
“Careful, Georgie!” Goat Bitch gasps, clutching at the makeup counter with both hands. “The floating lace skirt is so delicate! I’m afraid you’ll tear it! Ohhhh, yeah! Spit in my mouth! Spit in my mouth!”
And can you imagine the commotion Baba Yaga would cause at that wedding? First of all, she’d walk into the church and everyone would look at each other and say, “Is this a funeral? Why is there a corpse in here?” And second of all, you know she would stand up at the very end and object to the marriage.
PRIEST: If anyone objects to the union of these two people, speak now or forever hold your peace.
BABA YAGA: Yeah, I object!
PRIEST: What the fu – who brought the corpse into the church? The Parkman funeral isn’t until four o’clock!
BABA YAGA: Ha! Well, you certainly got me there! *picks up her leg and pops it back into its socket*
And now, here comes the part where I create a terror in you so deep, you will be guzzling holy water and shitting your granny panties for a week. You know, I always knew that Baba Yaga was capable of crawling through bedroom windows, snatching children from their beds, and seasoning them with exotic spices, but never once did I imagine that she would slither her way into the White House!
Yes, my expensive hos. Baba Yaga was in the White House yesterday and clearly, she knew she was being watched! You can actually hear her thinking, "You pitiful, contemptible fools! This is what you get for doubting me! Me! The Goddess of Gonorrhea! The Countess of Chlamydia! Well, it's too late now! I am in the White House and it is only a matter of time before I take over the world! You're too late, bitches! You're all too late!" *maniacal laughter*
Anyway, according to The Huffington Post: "The White House confirmed Pitt and Jolie were in town to screen Jolie's movie about Bosnian war crimes at the Holocaust museum. They dropped by so the president could talk with Jolie about her work on preventing mass atrocities and combating sexual violence against women."
Excuse me? Did I hear that correctly? Baba Yaga's movie was screened at the Holocaust museum? I'm sorry, but that little fact made me sick to my stomach. Why on earth should a woman who glorifies rape and violence be allowed anywhere near the Holocaust museum? Slap that bitch with a restraining order and confiscate one of her legs for good measure! It would serve her right for making a mockery of mass genocide!
Anyway, who the fuck knows what's going on anymore. All I can do is sit here and imagine what dinner was like at the White House:
BABA YAGA: This soup is delicious, Mr. President! So smooth and creamy! You simply must give me the recipe!
OBAMA: Why, thank you! Our chef takes two whole days to make it. It's a labor of love, really.
BABA YAGA: Oh, how lovely! You know, I just adore cooking for my family!
OBAMA: Do you?
BABA YAGA: Yes! In fact, just last week, I decided to try this new recipe for toddler stew.
OBAMA: You – you what?
BABA YAGA: Yeah, I had some leftover toddler legs in the freezer, so what I did was, I took out the kneecaps, sanded them down with sandpaper, and used them as little soup bowls! Isn't that clever? I tried telling Martha Stewart about it, but she hung up on me, the stupid cunt!
BABA YAGA: By the way, where are your daughters? I would love to read them a bedtime story! Om-nom-nom!
PS: Sorry about the lack of posts today, my expensive hos, but things are really insane at the moment. If the vagina doesn't blog tomorrow, please don't worry. We will be back on Monday morning.
Before I begin this post, I simply want to take a moment to address Capsie and the events that transpired yesterday. Capsie, I don’t usually interfere in the romantic lives of others, but Pammykins is my friend and I feel obligated to speak on her behalf.
Yesterday, Pammykins got up at the crack of dawn to bathe in chicken grease, coat her skin in breadcrumbs, and put on a ball gown made out of pink cotton candy. She waited for you all day long, Capsie! All day long! And as the hours went by, I could see her face starting to crumble – and not because of the goddamn breadcrumbs! Because she was devastated by your poisonous indifference!
So please, Capsie. If you have a kind bone in that blubbery body of yours, please find it in your heart to wish Pammykins a Happy Halloween. And if you can’t wish her a Happy Halloween, simply wish her a Happy Arbor Day. Okay? That is all I have to say to you.
Anyway, on to the subject of the medical school cadaver. Baba Yaga recently did an interview with Starpulse, and once again, she was gushing about her family: “On what makes her happiest: ‘Being a mom. We had a moment, often I’m happy whenever I’m with my children, but there was a moment where we had just finished work in New York and Brad and I were piled in the car with the kids and we’re listening to Christmas songs and we were laughing and playing games in the car and I looked at Brad and I said, “This is one of these moments, isn’t it? This is the moments we live for.” And so it’s that. You just catch yourself sometimes and you look around. I’m so fortunate; I love my family so much. And they’re such a funny, interesting group of people.’”
For the love of God, Baba Yaga! The last time I checked, we were living in the real world, not a goddamn holiday card! And just for the record, the editors at Starpulse changed what she really had to say. Fortunately, I got hold of the unedited version:
On what makes her happiest: Being a child-eating witch. You know, I’m often happy whenever I catch a child for my supper, but last week, I experienced this special moment that stood out from all the rest. I had just caught a child in one of my makeshift traps – you know, the ones I keep in the woods? Anyway, when I grabbed the child by the hair and started dragging it away, a light snow started to fall. In that moment, I stopped in my tracks and took a minute to gaze at the snow. “This is one of these moments, isn’t it?” I asked the screaming kid. “These are the moments I live for.” Then I dragged that child into my hut, speckled it with nutmeg, and tossed it into my boiling cauldron. It’s the little things, you know? It’s always the little things.
On her family: They can all kiss my ass! Every last one of them! Especially Goat Bitch! Did you know that the price of kibble has gone up again? What the hell am I wasting my money for? One of these days, I’m gonna drive him out into the country and abandon him by the side of the road! I’m tired of this shit already!
On how her kids’ childhoods differ from her own: Don’t talk to me about those brats! Zahara and Vivienne are the worst! Always listening at doorways and trying to foil my plans! Zahara locked me in the attic one time! Did I tell you about that? Yeah, I was so pissed off, I decided to vent my anger by plagiarizing a book! So...yeah! Blame Zahara! That shit is all her fault!
Call me an impolite cunt without an ounce of decorum, but why does Baba Yaga look like a deformed mule who got pummeled in the face by a tranny makeup kit? This photo has been airbrushed to hell and back, and she still looks like you could strap an oat bag to her head and parade her around the petting zoo. Like Lady Gaga, only with bigger gums and saggier testicles.
Baba Yaga, with a face like that, you are really going to have a hard time luring children into the woods. However, if you decide to sell your body to repressed homosexuals at a public rest stop, then you might be able to make some money. Just by looking at you, I would probably pay you about fifty cents. Sixty, if you let me feed your wig and walk her around the parking lot. Yeah, what can I say. I care about animals.
Anyway, here is the sagging scrotum on the January 2012 cover of Marie Claire magazine. And because Baba Yaga is about as exciting as a flaccid penis, she talked to them about possibly having more children with Goat Bitch. I see, Baba Yaga. So how long has Goat Bitch been taking his prenatal vitamins? That poor bastard probably screams, “I THINK MY WATER BROKE!” every time he has to poo.
Yeah, I have nothing left to say. I would talk about the lawsuit and how Baba Yaga is denying the whole thing, but all of you did such an amazing job with that yesterday! Yup. I have nothing left to talk about.
So...back to what I was saying about Courtney Ford earlier. I went into the backyard to search for her Easter egg messages, but unfortunately, I couldn't find any. However, I did notice that there were three rocks behind the oak tree, and I immediately knew that these were messages from Courtney! She was telling me that we would be married in three months! Wow! Isn’t that amazing? She really loves me, you guys!
Do I sound like a loon yet? No? Dammit! I knew I had to stuff three donuts into my mouth before spouting out the crazy! Things always sounds crazier when you are choking on crumbs and humping an empty donut box.
First of all, a big thank you to the loons for alerting me to this absolutely fascinating story. “FREAK, YOU BETTER NOT TALK ABOUT ANGIE PAYING MONEY TO A CAMBODIAN WARLORD! IT HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO, AND IT’S REALLY NO BIG DEAL! BY THE WAY, DO YOU HAVE ANY VANILLA FROSTING? THAT IS WHAT I USE FOR TOOTHPASTE!”
Jesus God, loons. Let me ask you a question. Back when you were children, did you EVER win a game of Hide-and-Seek? “HEY, HENRY! YOU BETTER NOT LOOK BEHIND THE TIRE SWING BECAUSE I AM NOT THERE! NOPE! SO STOP LOOKING OVER HERE! STOP IT, I SAID! STUPID FREAK!” *takes a bite out of the tire swing because it looks like a donut*
Anyway, in completely shocking news, our favorite child-eater has been accused of buying land from a mass murderer. According to The Daily Mail: “Angelina Jolie has been accused of paying a former member of Cambodia's murderous Khmer Rouge regime $25,000 for two plots of land. The actress, who runs a charity in Cambodia, is said to have bought the land from Ta Tith, a former leader of the Khmer Rouge which was responsible for genocide in the late 1970s. Ta Tith is one of three Khmer Rouge leaders wanted by the United Nations for crimes against humanity.”
For the love of God. Is anyone here surprised to learn that Baba Yaga fraternizes with mass murderers? I am pretty sure their business deal went a little something like this:
“More child chowder?” Baba Yaga asks, lifting the silver ladle from the soup tureen. “I think I overdid it with the nutmeg, but overall, I thought it was rather good!”
“Are you kidding me? It was to die for! My compliments to the chef!” Ta Tith leans back in his chair and rubs his swollen belly. “Whew! I simply could not eat another bite!”
“Well,” Baba Yaga sighs, dusting bone powder off her shirt. “I suppose we should get down to business.”
“Yes, I suppose so.”
With a quaint nod, Baba Yaga leans forward, a lone maggot tumbling out of her nostril. “A few miles from here,” she says in a quiet voice, “I have a cave full of rare treasures. Tankards of puppy blood, jars full of virgin hymens, and a barrel full of the finest Preschoolian bone powder known to man. Give me the land, and all of it is yours.”
Ta Tith rubs his chin, gazing appraisingly at Baba Yaga. “Throw in that spiked dildo you have in your pocket and we have a deal.”
“Done!” Baba Yaga cries, reaching across the table to shake his hand.
After exchanging superior smiles, the two monsters sit in companionable silence.
“So what do we do now?” Baba Yaga asks, cutting herself a slice of toddler tart.
There is a slight pause as Ta Tith mulls this over.
“You wanna go rape a unicorn?” he asks.
“YES!” Baba Yaga cries, jumping up from her chair. “That is a splendid idea! It’s a fine day for unicorn rape! Come!”
And so, linking arms with Ta Tith, Baba Yaga skips merrily out of the hut, singing a cheery song about assaulting mystical creatures.
Since Baba Yaga decided to terrorize Libya this week, I thought I would simply go ahead and add captions to three of the pictures. Starting with the one above us:
PICTURE #1: As the gathered throng cheers the arrival of the Vampire Queen, a lone girl is the only one brave enough to reveal her displeasure. Unable to meet the eyes of the Beast, she takes hold of her talon and murmurs, “Greetings, Baba Yaga. When I heard you were coming, I sent my siblings into hiding. How many children will go missing tonight? How many parents will mourn their passing?”
Baba Yaga smiles coldly, squeezing the little girl’s hand a bit tighter. “My, my. Who have you been talking to, child? Zahara? Vivienne? No matter. You’re a pathetic little fool and I can feel you trembling like a leaf. If I wanted to, I could break your hand and stuff you into a sack before anyone here could even react. So watch your tongue, girl. If you try to stand in my way, I’ll turn you into preteen porridge.” *hisses at her*
PICTURE #2: Baba Yaga sets her face into a solid mask of sympathy, listening to the injured man tell his story of woe. “I see,” she says, trying her best not to look bored. “That is terrible. I am so sorry to hear that. Now, I have a few questions to ask you. For my own personal records, you see. One, do you have any children? Two, who is looking after them while you’re in here? And three, are they pleasantly plump?”
PICTURE #3: Baba Yaga listens with feigned interest as a doctor explains how this innocent man got shot in the stomach. “Okay, enough,” Baba Yaga snaps, waving his explanations away. “Blah, blah, blah, PEACE. Blah, blah, blah, FAMINE. Blah, blah, blah, PERSECUTION. I know that shit already! Just ask the fucking idiot if he has any children and whether or not they are pleasantly plump!”
Oh, Baba Yaga, you have a one track mind! Anyway, our favorite fairy tale witch was in Libya this week, and this is what she had to say about visiting the country: “I have come to Libya for a variety of reasons, to see a country in transition at every level and to witness efforts to fully realize the promise of the Arab Spring. The country faces a host of challenges, including internally displaced people, refugees, rule of law, security, sanitation, education, health and other humanitarian needs. All of these pieces must be delivered and coordinated properly in an environment of reconciliation and justice.”
Yeah, and when the cameras were off, she told a mangled woman to take a shower and then she kicked a sleeping dog in the stomach. No, really. She did. I went to Libya with my notebook and took notes while the injured dog told me his story. Oh, Baba Yaga! How could you? I hope Vivienne and Zahara get hold of more illegal weapons! And I hope they have enough sense to hide them somewhere other than the World War Z set. Your reign of terror has gone on long enough!